Anecdotes From a Childhood I Sorta Kinda Remember

Every childhood is fraught with stories that cover the entire spectrum of emotions and feelings. Mine is as colourful as the gay pride flag…and then some. Each story isn’t very long, and certainly not long enough to dedicate a single post to a single story. Hence, the compilation.

1.Screaming “I’m not a virgin” is never Koscher in Elementary School.

I still blush in embarrassment whenever I even think of this story. It all happened in lunch time at Park Lodge. I was eating my lunchables pizza which was in those days coveted amongst any 4th grader. The soda in the box made you feel like such a “grown up”. Anyways, a girl named Janamarie was the only one in my class who knew of grown up matters. She kept bragging to everyone how she was a virgin. None of us knew remotely what that meant. Of course I, being the anarchist that I am, decided to start screaming at the top of my legs during lunch “I’m not a virgin!!!” to show that I’m not like her in anyway. I thought it had something to do with your personality; I was deadly wrong on that score. It took three adults to calm me down and explain to me what the phrase actually meant. I spent weeks trying to convince everyone I actually was a virgin, yet it still was in the collective of all my classmates.

2.Only a rebel rouser gets the entire class to scream “GET A LIFE” to the lesbian custodian.

This anecdote is something I cannot remember for the life of me. This witness is from the teacher who decided to tell my mother of my “shameful behaviour”. I guess the custodian had asked what I was doing and I didn’t feel particularly a need to answer. She asked “Did you hear me?” and I screamed “GET A LIFE”. I must have started to keep screaming it ,stand on my chair and start pumping my fist Jersey style. Soon the entire class matched my war cries. I was put in time out for 20 minutes every day for a week in class.

3.My pronunciation is constantly a laughing matter.

My mother tends to regale everyone with these three instances that perfectly sums up how I perceive every written language and how I sound out even the most simplest of words. Let’s start off with the Budweiser tale. Several years back my family attended a reunion in Montana. On out trek back, we stopped in Virginia City. There was a Saloon in town and I immediately saw the infamous Budweiser sign. Having never uttered the company’s name, what spewed forth from my adolescent lips was “Bud-weez-er”. It’s been a family joke since. The second story occurred during the 2008 Summer Olympics. I kept telling my mother to change to the “EE-kwo-stare-ian” trials when in fact it was pronounced “EE-qwest-strian”. Still, another family joke that has yet to die. The last notable story deals with my first instance with the word ego. I was yelling about how some boy in my 7th grade class had the biggest ego in the world. I, again, pronounced it so very very wrong. Saying “eh-goh” is not the right way. I still havent lived it down.

I have a lot of stories up my sleeve. I cannot remember them at this precise moment. If I remember them, I will most likely post them 🙂

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The Adventure of an Accidental Overdose of Caffeine Pills

This memory of this adventure can only be described as almost the exact feeling of being hypnotized. No one believes that you can overdose on caffeine pills, well I scream “YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND” in their faces.

It happened to me, and this is my story.

With extreme insomnia comes a responsibility that I completely lack. I resort to drugs to deal with this ever pressing problem. Caffeine pills seem to get the job done, to an extent. The feeling of the want to run in geometric circles paired with not being able to get up from your desk is nothing short of complete hell. I might as well have taken ecstasy since the end result in this adventure seems to have the same effect.

I’m usually careful about how many I take, yet for some reason on this particular day, the  overall affect didnt quite, well….happen. Immediately that is.

To this day I cannot recall how many of them I ended up taking, but I do know that I was at half a bottle in the morning, and by the afternoon they were all gone. When the drugs finally hit my blood stream….. as in the way Chandler would say on Friends, OH. MY. GOD.

Mind you this was while I was driving. On the freeway. Out of Tacoma. Hitting returning Seattle traffic. Nothing could be short of horrifying within the environment I was in that this overall feeling of high/hyperactivity could have suddenly come about. From this point on, only a few choice memories take place. But those little glimpses, like very dirty glass dioramas that displayed each memory, are the only thing I have to go upon.

1. Certain thoughts that led to memory #2.

I rememeber the persistent need to get to Jo Anns….RIGHT NOW. As if this craft store were my taco bell. The image of it’s store front was a beacon in my brain, like a home base. A mother ship, whatever you fancy to call it; I wanted to go to there.

2. Flashes of my time in Jo-Anns.

I remember buying yards of cloth that pictured ows,birds, and other animal figures in neon bright colours. I get a flash of the yarn section and taking 30 minutes to pick out the PERFECT crochet needle, even though I have no idea how to crochet. I sort of remember sniffing candles very very very violently.

3.Calling my best friend Katy

I only remember one sentence, but she has given me enough information to relay most of the story. In my haze I thought calling her would be the most wonderful idea. All I remember is “sup sup!”. The rest is her living witness. I guess I was afraid of the logs near the fireplace thinking they were somehow going to catch a flame. I thought the bush that houses my mailbox was alive. I couldn’t stop talking about crafting. That’s all I can remember from what she told me.

Evidence of this adventure can still be found around my house from yarn, to the crochet needle and even to the neon coloured cloth that sits in a bag near the dining room. From the amount of money that was in my wallet before and after this incident, I had spent 60 dollars on random as shit craft supplies. For the next few weeks I tirelessly tried to use up every scrap to make stuffed animals, pillows, and other things.

There was also a second time, but that is a story for another day. If this adventure seemed lame, and dull; my apologies. It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything “witty” and my hiatus from my blog is evidence of that fact.

What to do if you sleep 15 hours and wake up in the shape of an intercity pipe system

Last night I fell asleep with dreams of my new itouch that has yet to arrive in the mail. Through awesome, weird, fucked up and insane dreams, I woke up in a rather peculiar position.

It was as if my whole body rallied together and thought, “how can we make Sarah’s day suck in some sort of capacity”. These minions chose to make my neck and spinal column turn in angles not meant for average human bones. They even threw in some arthritis in my legs and arms.

After several hours of walking around like my bones had been liquefied, I came up with some solutions; in case you are ever in this tortuous predicament.

1.Become an expert masseuse on yourself in 3, 2, 1…GO!

2.Find a medieval torture device, find a sadistic friend and stretch your mangled parts into MMM fresh awwwww relief 🙂

3. If you don’t have cash,extraordinarily good looking, and have zero morals, sell your body for a chiropractor appointment.

4.crack every bone in your body

5.practice being a contortionist.

There are a myriad of differnt options, but the top 5…they are your best bet.

Note: Sarah of Flying Platypus is in no way liable of any self inflicted damage, harm or weird kama sutra moves that result in a handicap of your person.

Clear Face, With Only Four Inexpensive Products

By now I have tried EVERYTHING that deals with acne cleansers,creams, washes and etc. After seven years of searching, I have found the answer.

The holy grail? Hell yes.

Ive tried everything under the sun. Name the brand, I’ve tried it. After about 3 month, my face is not a festering land of what resembles the pox and a lake of bodily oil. Granted I have scars all over my facial surface, but that is slowly being dealt with a product I found; which ill discuss later in this post.

The list of 4 products I used:

1.St. Ives Apricot scrub

This scrub is more awesome than a Taco fighting a grilled cheese sandwich (Yes, I used a Hot Rod Reference). Its inexpensive and you only need a bit, fast hands and warm water.

2. St. Ives Apricot Cleanser

Pretty hard to find, but I can only find this at my local Walmart. Its inexpensive (its Walmart) and you can use it twice daily. It has little beads that end up in your nose though, but just use a cotton swab and BOOM…gone. I recommend using it in the shower in the morning and using a shower cap for the evening.

3. Clean and Clear Persa Gel 10

This is your secret weapon. They say to only use it on spots, but  wouldnt. I take just a tiny dollop and smooth it all over my face. Only at night though!! It runs only about 6 dollars. This has been a hail mary for my face. If you have a tendency to stick whiteheads with needles and drain them, use this right over it. The chemical will shrink and heal the spot within 48 hours.

4.Clean and Clear Advantage Mark Treatment

I recently bought this, by recent I’m estimating about tw0 weeks. I use this only at night. Use it once the persa gel 10 has dried otherwise you will get these white gelly like flakes allll over your face. So far, my scars has shrunk. I dont know what the long term effect will be, but so far its been great! and pretty inexpensive.

Bonus: St. Ives Collagen Elastin Facial Moisturizer

Im 18 so I have no idea what the wrinkle effects of this moisturizer are, but it feels nice and soft on my face. And from what Ive felt and seen, my face is not oily anymore and is perfect! I can touch my face all I want without oil seeping onto my fingertips.

Ill even down my regime if anyone cares to try this at all. IF you have an oily or combination face, then I would try this.

1.Wash face with warm water, put on scrub and scrub away! (use scrub only every other day) wash away scrub.

2.Wash face with warm water and put the cleanser on and rub it in gently. Rinse the cleanser away and towel dry your face.

3.smear on persa gel 10 all over. Make sure its a thin layer. Wait about 3 to 4 minutes for it to dry. I recommend brushing your teeth during this period.

4.put on Spot treatment and do a thin layer. If your going to use the facial moister, wait about a minute or two until your face is dry.

5. (for moisturizer) smear on a tiny put of lotion in your hands and spread it evenly over your palms and then spread it onto your face.

Use all 4 or 5 steps for Nighttime regime and only the first two for daytime regime which should follow a SPF facial moisturizer. I recommend one by Neutrogena.

Note: Most of these things can be found at Walmart. Some can be found at any drugstore or Target. Everything is under 6 dollars a piece. It is the cheapest regime Ive ever had.

 

Limewire, the Younger Sibling of Late 90’s Napster.

Limewire has officially lost it’s court battle with the music industry who banded together to take this monster down.  Since 2006, the founder, Mark Gorton, has been put under pressure to shut it down due to the billions upon billions of dollars worth of ‘electronic merchandise’ that have been shared. The RIAA has taken action and is now trying to seek the “appropriate level of damages”.

Alot of us remember the early days of Napster which got it’s start in June 1999 by Shawn Fanning. It was the introduction of peer-to-peer sharing of massive amounts of music. It only lasted until July 2001, but in that time it created a huge impact that has effected such peer-to-peer websites like Bearshare, Frostwire, Limewire, and many others. I look at those programs as the illegal haven of the early/middle 2000’s. They are now riddled with viruses. They are like well-used whores; they have viruses/diseases, well past their prime, have been used and abused way too many times and have lost their luster.

The new form of these comes in torrents. Torrents that are just a compacted file that used sources from many other users to compile an entire file of say a song, album, movie, application or anything else. Torrents are the early days of limewire, just more accessible. This type of file sharing will be the new limewire of the next decade or several years.

This strike on Limewire is the passing of an era that leads into a new one, like Victorian to Edwardian. Its better, faster, and stronger.

Sidenote: As the publisher I cannot condone this type of behavior nor have I ever used it. I know others who have used all that I have described above and how it all works.

Tacoma is That Sibling that Gets All the Hand-Me-Downs, or Crappy stuff.

Today Obama has come to visit Seattle. A couple of weeks back Biden, the VP, came to Tacoma. Its like saying “oh your sister is going to get a Versace jacket, but you’ll get an old navy coat.”

Total Bullshit.

Well played Seattle. You had Sleepless in Seattle, but we had 10 Things I Hate about you. I know that the arrival of Obama has nothing to do with those two films and that seattle is known nationwide, which Tacoma is not. Im just stating an opinion, hence the blog.

Back to what I was saying.

In its own way, I think Tacoma is slightly better. Just slightly, and yes I am totally biased on this since I go to school in Tacoma and my entire family (well medium portion) lives/inhabits it’s city limits.

We have the awesome hills that still have some cobblestones, some awesome awesome houses, POINT DEFIANCE; the second largest inter-city park in the world AND some other awesome things ,I will dedicate one post to that this weekend, that make T-town off the freakin charts. Seattle, all you have is fish,Pike Place,space needle, and a spoiled un-bitchin team.

Yeah, Im talking to you Ichiro.

Anyways, I would talk more about the whole Obama-in-Seattle coverage, yet Komo4,Kiro7 and King5 are probably going to give up to the minute info. On a quick side note, how do they come up with these names like ‘kiro’ ‘komo’ and ‘King’? Did they pick the letters from a game of boggle? Back to the point, second hand info is just boring as hell. Plus, politics puts me into a slumberous stupour within 3 minutes. Yes, I have timed it. Jealous?

5 Maneuvers to Get Someone the Perfect Christmas Gift

When you have to turn the thermostat in your house up or smell wood burning in the air, then you know its that time. Time for what exactly? Christmas. Some people start now to get gifts, like me, and others wait till the last minute.

Plan ahead. Black Friday deals are kinda low priced, but only hit up those sales if you plan on buying anything involving electronics, toys or dvds/blurays. Gifts are not about the price, but the thought. An item that they would either use all the time or  a luxury item; like a humour book.

Here is my top five ways to find/figure out the perfect gift for a friend, significant other or family member.

1. listening and/or recalling

With my friends I always give them gifts that they really would love. How do I do this? By listening and remembering. Here is a great example from last year. One day my friend Tori and I were watching some Pride and Prejudice movies. She asked to borrow my large book containing all of Jane Austen’s works. After she had finished borrowing it she talked about how much she wished she could have read everything but didnt have the time. This was 4 months before christmas. I wrote down in my phone Tori-buy jane austen all works set. That was enough of a reminder and infrastructure to buy the perfect gift. I ended up buying her a beautifully leathered bound collectors edition of Austen’s works.

2.Inside Jokes

Inside jokes make the greatest gifts.The greatest. Even internet memes like the three wolf moon t-shirt. These types of gifts will never be thrown away and kept forever. Even making a card with inside jokes as the main design on the cover is a great idea! I used that idea last year and my friend Katy loved it! All you need is publisher and some knowledge of photoshopping and book, awesome card!

 

 

Yes please 😉

 

3.Luxury items

Everyone has that item that they wish they could buy, but its not essentially ‘practical’. Some people wouldn’t buy a jacket for themselves when they already have a perfectly good one yet they cant stop slobbering at that new one in the window. For me, a great luxury item that I never normally purchase would be humour books or anything that is decorated with birds. This ties in with the first point on my list, listening. Even watching is good. Im not saying that you have to take everything they want seriously, but look out for that one item in particular. The one that makes their face light up.

4.Make it yourself

Anything handmade that took time are gifts girls love the most; some guys even (the good guys).Knitting some mittens, crocheting a blanket, painting a mug, or painting a picture are good gifts. Use your imagination and your gift will be 100% appreciated 🙂 This option goes the same way for cards!

5.Something they need and/or need replacing

This is the last-resort option. Never EVER use this first. Use it if it is too late even. Sometimes this can be used as a first option but rarely. You can even use this as a second mini gift to go with the first gift. This option should not be used if your going to buy 1. socks 2.economy sized underpants 3.groceries 4.toilet paper

Hopefully this list will help you with your Christmas needs! These options can be used for valentines day,birthdays, easter, and any other type of gifts. Not wedding of course. Weddings would be under option 5 or the couple’s gift registry.

If you have any questions feel free to comment below.